I fell in love with a Sociopath

I fell in love with a Sociopath

By Ashley-Rose Cliffe

            First I want to start off by saying that this article is for all the women out there who have been or are in love with the wrong man. I can totally relate to the feeling of being in love or when you meet that man/woman who carries all of the traits that you want, but maybe just need to be nurtured or shown a little more love. Falling for the person who has every ability of being the one, but they just need to be loved a little more or just need to be shown love first and then they’ll change.  I am writing this to tell you that there is nothing wrong with the wanting to help, but there is something wrong with the wanting to settle for the person who needs fixing. That means that there is something inside of you that feels like you don’t deserve anything better or that you need to fix that person because you want someone to fix you to.

            I am going to tell you my story, because I was that girl trying to save that one man who had every chance there is to be a great man, however didn’t want the help. I have lost a lot and been hurt to a very deep level that has been hard to crawl out of. I want to hopefully be able to show you that you do not need to do what I’ve done, and maybe just maybe save you from making the same mistakes. This past year has been full of ups and downs but I have learnt so much from this experience and I want to help others. Before I tell you my story, I want to just define the term Sociopath to you, to be a sociopath they have to possess 10 VERY important qualities.

 1.     They are very charming: Sociopaths are very charismatic and are able to attract a following of people very easily and they almost can make you feel like you need to be around them. They have this way about them to attract people who feel like they need direction or people who want guidance. They prey on the vulnerable and they often appear to be “sexy” or they have a strong sexual attraction. Now not all sexy people are sociopaths of course, but watch out for any sort of over the top sex drive or someone who has odd fetishes.

2.     Sociopaths are very intense and spontaneous more than others: They tend to do very weird 

or odd things, they tend to be very erratic and all over the place. They love to take risks because they 

are not bound by the normal social contracts. This tends to make them more appealing.

3.     Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse: Their brains lack the circuitry 

process to be able to create emotions. That makes it easy for them to betray people, harm and/or 

threaten people without giving it a second thought. They only do things that serves themselves even if
it causes injury, pain or hurt to anyone else.

4.     Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences: They wildly exaggerate about 

their life and experiences to the point that it becomes almost unbelievable (but for some reason you 

still believe them).

5.     Sociopaths seek to dominate: They must win every time, they will defend their side to the end, 

even if they can be proven wrong. They are never wrong in their minds, they will defend their web of
lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.

6.     Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent: They use their smarts to deceive people rather than to 

empower them. Their high IQ’s often make them extremely dangerous.

7.     Sociopaths are incapable of true love: They are totally self-serving. They can and will fake 

love, just so they can get what they want, but they don’t FEEL love at all, no matter how believable 

they are.

8.     Sociopaths are amazing speakers: They are master with their words, they have a way of 

making anything believable. They are great at putting words into action.

9.     Sociopaths never apologize: They are never wrong. They never feel guilt, even if they say they 

feel bad. If they are proven wrong they will never say sorry they will go on the attack instead.

10. Sociopaths are delusional and they literally believe everything that comes out of their mouth and they believe everything they say becomes the truth: merely because they say it.

            
Now with this information in mind, let’s go into my story. It was August of 2013, I was at home alone and I decided that I wanted to go to the club. Now I normally frequented the club on Saturdays with my friends, but this was a Friday and nobody wanted to go out with me. I decided to go anyways, knowing that I’d see someone I knew. (Now 8 months before this was the ending of my first relationship, first love and first everything. I was insecure because the man I was with, whom I loved very much abandoned me and that alone was heartbreaking. I just wanted to have fun, drink and forget the pain. Little did I know that night would be the start of a roller-coaster of hell. ) I must say I looked good and I definitely showed it. That night I danced and had a blast, about halfway through the night I looked over by the door and saw him walk in, he glowed, he was a tall, muscular African man and for some reason it was almost like I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. Something about him screamed sophisticated and strong and that on its own appealed to me. I kept on dancing but I always knew where he was. About 30 minutes after that I looked over his direction and noticed that he was staring right at me, my face got bright red. The rest of the night every time I looked, his eyes were on me, they were like peering into my soul and it was frightening and intoxicating all at the same time. I left the club for a smoke and was standing out on the street, all of a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder, (If only I turned around and told him not to touch me…) instead I turned around to him staring right at me, he asked me for a smoke, I gave it to him.

The bad choice

He asked me who I was with, (Now let me just say I am the QUEEN of being safe when downtown, I would never go home with anyone, leave the club with someone or even say that I am alone EVER! ….. well before this) I don’t know what came over me, I said I was alone, we talked for a while and he made me feel comfortable, I was laughing and I couldn't believe that a sexy man like him would even talk to me.  He told me that his car was in a small town outside of St Catharines, and that his friends left him at the club and he’s been drinking too much, he asked if I drove I said I do, because I wasn't as drunk as him he then asked I go with him to get his car, so I can drive it. For some reason I felt like yeah I can do that for you, (to this day I can’t understand that). Anyways that night I went with him from the club, reached to his car, (which happened to be a BMW) and I drove it back to my place. I told him he couldn't come inside because it was my sister and I’s rule. He said no problem, kissed me after walking me to the door. I went to sleep that night feeling so excited, I finally found a gentleman, he was sweet, funny, smart, charming, etc.

Deceived by the Devil

            Throughout the next few weeks, he was at my house all the time; he would passionately love me and made me feel like a princess. By September, I had started school and he was so excited for me, even though at this point he had told me that he wanted to just be friends for now and that if a relationship happened then it did. He said he was severely hurt by his ex and just needed time to get over it. I can never write the exact words he used, because I don’t even know how he did it. But the way he talked made it so easy to believe every word he said. When I got my OSAP, he called me one day and said he had an emergency with his pay at work and that his paycheck was going to be a week late, and he had child support due for his son plus rent. He asked if he could borrow $500 from me until the next Friday, still don’t know why I did, but I did. The Friday of next week came and I called him for three days straight, until Monday when he called me and said he was so sorry for not giving me the money but he said he has it and will bring it. I didn’t see him for two days. When he came to my house on Wednesday I confronted him and he got mad at me for pestering him, he twisted my words in such a way it made me feel bad for being so pushy about it.

Being Used

            This was the first time of many that this man got away with my pride, my money and my emotions, without even batting an eye. For a long time I fell prey to him because I still got the security I needed from him. I felt important being with him every day and that almost everyone he knew, saw me with him. I fell for him and was madly in love, they say love is blind and part of me agrees. I looked past all of the things he did to me, because at least I wasn't alone. He told me about his son and how he had custody but wasn't being allowed to see him. I told him that I would help him get his son, I filled out paperwork, went to court with him and in the end we won. I was so proud and excited, however I was never given credit for anything around his friends, and it was always him who did it.

I became his little bitch

            I finally told him how I felt about him one day, and he said I didn't love him and my feelings were wrong. He got mad at me for “forcing” my emotions at him and that I was wrong. But yet two days later he came to me and said he was sorry and that he was happy that I felt that way. I wanted so badly to be with him forever. I began to spiral out of control with him, as he developed a strong drug habit and was drinking all the time. He had two different people inside of him, the nice one and the mean one. I started to instigate the drinking and drug use, because when he was under the influence was the only chance for intimacy. When the mean one came out, he would always talk about himself and how he could not understand how all the people who did bad to him could do it and if he was talking about me, it was about my problems and what was wrong with me. The nice one, however was the one who would hold me, say nice things to me and do other things, although I never knew which person would come out, he kept me holding on hoping the nice one would. It kept me craving the next time we would get drunk and high, so I could feel that way. He started losing weight, selling off his belongings for cash, I starting noticing his lies a little bit here and there. I started drinking and getting high all the time with him. My life started to fall apart but I was still intoxicated by him. I did anything he wanted me to do, I would even get up at 3am if he called me to come over and I would come right away. I became his little bitch. But it was like I needed him, he would push me away to the point where I was giving up on him and right when I was almost done with him, he would pull me back.

Bank Ashley

He started to take more money from me, even though he never paid back the first part, and I would let him like a lovesick puppy. I felt like I never loved anyone like him and would defend him to everyone. It was to the point that he lost his car, tv, computer, fridge, washer and dryer etc.. And he would have a story for each and every one and why they were gone, but really later I found out he was selling them for cash. He also was playing the same game with other women, don’t know why I felt special, he kept me around for when he was lonely or wanted something. He would tell me he was working all week and the only kind of work he was doing was drinking, getting high and getting money for all of the women victims. He kept me around until he had drained every inch of me. I was sucked up and spit out. He is like a leech and he sucked me dry. He would drink and get very angry sometimes in my face, other times he would throw me around or just smash stuff. When I was in his spell all I wanted to do was save him, prove my love, and show him that there are good women out there! I just wanted to support him and be there, I thought I could fix him.

Intervention

My friends and family would lecture me of my addiction problems and that I do too much for him. I would become defensive of him fearing that if I didn't please him he would be mad. He used to go from happy to angry with a snap of my finger. It was always my fault and whenever I tried to challenge him back he would beat me down 10x more. He abused me to the point where I lost myself, my identity and where I had ZERO confidence left. I left him at least three times, with a month of peace in between, but he would go to my friends, or come up with some emergency or story to suck me back in. The emotional and mental abuse got so bad, I am still trying to heal and climb out of it, but this fight is where I found myself. My friends and family were right, it was NOT HEALTHY at all! I started to see the lies this man would tell and my eyes slowly opened as the blinders fell off, with a few bumps along the way. It took me leaving him 3 times to finally see him for what he IS which is a con artist, a manipulative, lying and amazingly smart Sociopath. He has captives, not girlfriends and he sees a friend as a means to get something. He has used every inch of me and it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever done to climb back out, the saddest part is until this day in his mind he has done nothing wrong and it was me, I wasn't perfect enough and I am the backstabber who was mean to him. He will never see it nor admit it, because he doesn't want to.

My hope

            My hope is that with this story other people can see exactly what it means to be used, exactly how you should not be treated. If the person you are interested in has any of the 10 signs above consider it a warning and please BE CAREFUL! Below is a list of 10 things I have learned about relationships in general just from him:

1.      Don’t let money play a role: If a man/woman asks to borrow money in your relationship, do not do it! He/she should never have to depend on you for his/her budget. You are not responsible for it! Money just ruins things between a couple and make sure that he/she respects that.

2.      If a man/woman isn’t willing to commit to you after three months of friendship, LEAVE!: A man/woman will see your worth by then and if he/she hasn’t claimed you, then you deserve better!!

3.      If he/she disrespects you by calling you a bitch, or other derogatory words, LEAVE!: A man/woman who truly loves you would NEVER talk to you like that!

4.      Don’t ever sacrifice things in your life for someone else!:  If you have school the man/woman who loves you would never ask you to leave it for him/her every day, he/she would encourage you to stay.

5.      If his/her stories sound too good to be true, they are: Sociopaths exaggerate to feed their ego, and their insecurities DO NOT feed into it, leave!

6.      If he/she goes from happy to angry faster than you blink, LEAVE! People like that are unstable and dangerous. You deserve better than that!!!

7.      Respect goes miles!!! If he/she can’t acknowledge the things you have done with humbleness then LEAVE. You deserve to be appreciated to.

8.      If he/she bosses you around and/or has unrealistic expectations of you, leave they aren’t GOD!

9.      If he/she only makes love to you/touches you or cuddles you, to reward you. LEAVE!: You do not have to do something for your partner to be intimate, that is a form of control and dominance and the UTMOST DISRESPECT. LEAVE!

10.  You cannot fix him/her!: You can never fix anyone! They have to fix themselves. It is so true that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one, Sociopaths don’t think they have a problem; hence it will never be fixed!

Finally if in any way, shape or form you are being disrespected in anyway LEAVE! You deserve to be loved and cherished NOT used!