6:30a.m.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
You don't have to worry, I am completely aware that I am just being lazy because I can't get out of bed to work, just like my friends did. The have bad days to and I just need to push through it just like they do.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
They always remind me of how they did not even get to bed till 3am, but managed to get up in the morning to bring their children to school, so what excuse do I have? You are so right, I am just being lazy and wasting my life away. Thank you for putting up with me.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
You always tell me how smart I am, how I have the world at my finger tips and I am just letting my life slip away, because I haven't showered in three days and I have hardly ate. It really is disgusting.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
I can play the piano, guitar, sing and write music and so many more things, so what excuse do I really have to be "sad" all the time? Other people would kill for my talents!! It really sucks how right that is, I am just feeling sorry for myself and I need to suck it up.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
They can keep their room clean, no matter what happens, so how does my room end up so messy all the time? It totally because I am a mess up and I know it. Lazy for sure.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
I know I always talk about losing weight and that is truly all I want to do, but all I make is excuses. I don't truly want it, it's obvious. I just need to stop making excuses and being so lazy. Why am I so weak? Why do I suck at being a human being? I will work on it, I promise!
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
I have truly accepted that I can't do anything right and I always end up letting everyone down. It really sucks.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
NO! There is definitely a way I can do this! I just need to breath, in and out, ok see I am up. Ok I am going to grab my books and bag, I am going to accomplish a lot today! Prove to everyone how strong I am.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
HA! HA! HA! Who are you kidding?? People just think you are pathetic. All these excuses, you tell everyone you are strong but you really are a weak piece of shit. Wow rude much?? I am just being honest, people are tired of hearing the same thing from you all the time, and you can't just wake up and go to school acting like you're better, people are just going to think you're bipolar. Thank you so much for looking out for me.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
Don't worry I am completely aware that I am missing an important class, I am aware of the repercussions, I am aware of what is going to happen.
6:31a.m.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy
I am really tired, I promise tomorrow I will make a better effort to get up. Maybe once I sleep I will feel better.
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"SLEEP DOESN'T HELP, IF IT'S YOUR SOUL THAT IS TIRED"
Sleep may not help with the tiredness, but it does help to bring silence, even if it is for a few hours. People have a tenancy to think they know and understand everything that you could be going through, where in reality nobody does, only you.
I have always prided myself on my inner resilience and my ability to fight through every obstacle in my way, but lately I have been feeling that I might lose. Lose to this obstacle that is so small it is invisible to the naked eye. What an unworthy opponent for me to face, considering I have fought so many unbeatable situations that would break most people and now I am about to be taken down by this? Really!?
What do I have to be depressed about? Well nothing really, all the bad stuff has come and gone. I have a mother and sister who love me, two "brothers from another mother" who make me laugh everyday, while I also pull my hair out. I have my fur babies who I love so much. I am in school, on the honor role, even though my attendance has not been that great. I am tutoring, I have such supportive friends, that most people would kill for. In fact I am more depressed now than I was, when I was in an abusive relationship.
Stuck in torture was less depressing than my life right now I guess... wait that doesn't make sense... that is because depression doesn't come when you are sad, that is just a bad day, week, month or year. True depression comes when you are not sad, but when you are happy, succeeding at something, when you have won a million dollars, just had a baby, and so many other things. Because it comes to rob you. Rob you of life, of joy, of contentment, all the while you are still trying to accomplish your dreams.
It is something that you can't understand unless its after you, having to accomplish your everyday tasks, while the leach is on the inside of you sucking you dry. Everyday having to fight every cell in your body, because you don't know which one is infected by that leach, while having to be "normal" and "stop making excuses".
It is nice to know that you are with me, on my side through this journey, by reading this it makes me see that I am not alone. Even if you cant understand how I feel and my struggle at least you are here, in this moment.
Just remember, everyone has their struggles, you don't know what each person you meet is dealing with. Don't expect them to cope, think, believe, breath, the way you do. Instead accept each person where they are.
During this journey, I don't know when it will get better or if it will. I can't predict the outcome but there is one thing I know and that is, if I go down it won't be without putting up a fight.
-Ashley-Rose Cliffe
