Im not depressed, I'm just lazy

6:30a.m.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

You don't have to worry, I am completely aware that I am just being lazy because I can't get out of bed to work, just like my friends did. The have bad days to and I just need to push through it just like they do.

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

They always remind me of how they did not even get to bed till 3am, but managed to get up in the morning to bring their children to school, so what excuse do I have? You are so right, I am just being lazy and wasting my life away. Thank you for putting up with me.

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

You always tell me how smart I am, how I have the world at my finger tips and I am just letting my life slip away, because I haven't showered in three days and I have hardly ate. It really is disgusting.

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

I can play the piano, guitar, sing and write music and so many more things, so what excuse do I really have to be "sad" all the time? Other people would kill for my talents!! It really sucks how right that is, I am just feeling sorry for myself and I need to suck it up.

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

They can keep their room clean, no matter what happens, so how does my room end up so messy all the time? It totally because I am a mess up and I know it. Lazy for sure.

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

I know I always talk about losing weight and that is truly all I want to do, but all I make is excuses. I don't truly want it, it's obvious. I just need to stop making excuses and being so lazy. Why am I so weak? Why do I suck at being a human being? I will work on it, I promise!

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

I have truly accepted that I can't do anything right and I always end up letting everyone down. It really sucks.

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

NO! There is definitely a way I can do this! I just need to breath, in and out, ok see I am up. Ok I am going to grab my books and bag, I am going to accomplish a lot today! Prove to everyone how strong I am.

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

HA! HA! HA! Who are you kidding?? People just think you are pathetic. All these excuses, you tell everyone you are strong but you really are a weak piece of shit. Wow rude much?? I am just being honest, people are tired of hearing the same thing from you all the time, and you can't just wake up and go to school acting like you're better, people are just going to think you're bipolar. Thank you so much for looking out for me.

I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

Don't worry I am completely aware that I am missing an important class, I am aware of the repercussions, I am aware of what is going to happen.


6:31a.m.
I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy

I am really tired, I promise tomorrow I will make a better effort to get up. Maybe once I sleep I will feel better.




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                "SLEEP DOESN'T HELP, IF IT'S YOUR SOUL THAT IS TIRED"

Sleep may not help with the tiredness, but it does help to bring silence, even if it is for a few hours. People have a tenancy to think they know and understand everything that you could be going through, where in reality nobody does, only you.

I have always prided myself on my inner resilience and my ability to fight through every obstacle in my way, but lately I have been feeling that I might lose. Lose to this obstacle that is so small it is invisible to the naked eye. What an unworthy opponent for me to face, considering I have fought so many unbeatable situations that would break most people and now I am about to be taken down by this? Really!?

What do I have to be depressed about? Well nothing really, all the bad stuff has come and gone. I have a mother and sister who love me, two "brothers from another mother" who make me laugh everyday, while I also pull my hair out. I have my fur babies who I love so much. I am in school, on the honor role, even though my attendance has not been that great. I am tutoring, I have such supportive friends, that most people would kill for. In fact I am more depressed now than I was, when I was in an abusive relationship.

Stuck in torture was less depressing than my life right now I guess... wait that doesn't make sense... that is because depression doesn't come when you are sad, that is just a bad day, week, month or year. True depression comes when you are not sad, but when you are happy, succeeding at something, when you have won a million dollars, just had a baby, and so many other things. Because it comes to rob you. Rob you of life, of joy, of contentment, all the while you are still trying to accomplish your dreams.

It is something that you can't understand unless its after you, having to accomplish your everyday tasks, while the leach is on the inside of you sucking you dry. Everyday having to fight every cell in your body, because you don't know which one is infected by that leach, while having to be "normal" and "stop making excuses".

It is nice to know that you are with me, on my side through this journey, by reading this it makes me see that I am not alone. Even if you cant understand how I feel and my struggle at least you are here, in this moment.

Just remember, everyone has their struggles, you don't know what each person you meet is dealing with. Don't expect them to cope, think, believe, breath, the way you do. Instead accept each person where they are. 

During this journey, I don't know when it will get better or if it will. I can't predict the outcome but there is one thing I know and that is, if I go down it won't be without putting up a fight.

-Ashley-Rose Cliffe
 

Thankfulness List 2010

I have seen these going up all over the place, so to be cool I am going to do one to! :P

1) To have a God that loves me SO MUCH, even tho at times I can be a little stubborn!
2) My mother Karen Cliffe, she is one of the strongest women I know, having to go through the things she did and as well having to deal with a very "interesting" teenager (Not me.........O.O lol). I love you mom and I hope that you see I always have even through the rough patches.
3) My sister Cassandra Cliffe, I can't count on my limbs how much times we have laughed without being able to stop. I miss you and hope that you come visit me soon! I also remember how much black eyes we have given each other wrestling on the ground and hitting each other. love ya sis (sehr what I have always called her)
4) Donna for the times that we have laughed so hard that we have cried, for showing me kindness and inviting me not only into your home but into your family. I can never say how great-full I am to be able to be a part of your family.
5) Caleb, Abbey, Chloe and Jordan for your never ending energy. Watching you guys grow older and mature into beautiful children of God makes my heart melt. For the times that I was upset and you guys just brighten my day and for the times that we goof around and laugh. I love you guys so MUCH!!
6) My laptop even though it drives me nuts and the only way it works is to scream at it and hit it. It has brought me through some very boring days, and also allows me to watch my subscriptions on YOUTUBE.
7) I am thankful of YouTube, without YouTube I wouldn't know some of the cool facts I know now and I wouldn't have been able to watch some really great and talented people, to name a few --> RaywilliamJohnson, Shane Dawson, Shay Carl and Shaytards, Mystery Guitar Man, Ctfxc, Smosh and others!
8) My blackberry because I have dropped it numerous times and it still continues to work!
9) For my Best Friends (Hanne, Holly, Chantal, Sherry, Mikhail, Ali, Donna, Nat, Cj, Saralynn, Taras, Geoff, Matthew for your crazyness and Brad) For all the things we have gotten into, for all the times we have laughed and as well cried. For putting up with my abuse ;)
10) Hanne I think, without you in my life, I don't know where I would be right now, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would meet someone like you while I was in school. You make my life complete, and I am starting to cry writing this because even though you are in Norway and I am here I still feel like we saw each other yesterday. I will love you forever and I hope that down the road when our husbands have died (cause men don't live as long as women) that you and I will have wheelchair races down the hallways of the old folks home that we will live in together! I LOVE YOU <3
11) Holly, My longest friend out there who have had to put up with me through the whole time :) I love you and I love our skype dates, and the times that we just laugh and goof around. I miss our random drives around town and circling the location we need to get to numerous times, because we are to busy talking! I love you!
12) Chantal for helping me understand life in a whole new way and for encouraging me when things go wrong. As well putting up with my opinions and always finding something that we can laugh about for hours on end!!  Love you to!!
13) I am thankful for the chilly fall weather with gorgeous colours!
14) I am thankful for Natalie for the laughs and for allowing me to be a part of your family as well and Calum, Ayden, Malakai and Neveah for you guys brighten my day :)
15) For a house to live in, food to eat and water to drink.
16) I am thankful for Pumpkin Pie, because it is delicious =)
17) For clothes cause otherwise I would be naked and that is frowned upon in most countries....
18) I am happy that shoes were invented because my feet wouldnt be so awesome and smooth if I didnt wear shoes.
19) Abbey the dog and Ebonie, Bridget and Lola the cats and April the rabbit.......
20) I appreciate facebook for getting me through my life.
21) I am thankful that I have this blog so I can express my feelings and have an outlet for my creativity
22) I am thankful for this earth even though sometimes its really messed up, I have a way to live and breathe and experience different things.
23) I am thankful for toilet paper, because I don't even have to describe why....
24) I am thankful for bejewelled blitz for wasting my precious time and keeping myself occupied so I am not getting into trouble.
25) My Aunt Melinda and Uncle Joe for your love and support! Michael, Alex, Trevor and Kyle for being pretty awesome cousins. My grandma as well for your love :) <3 you guys
26) I almost forgot the most important thing after God, MUSIC. I am thankful to able to listen to music and have a way to express myself through writing and performing my music.

So everyone this is my list for 2010. I hope you like.

30 Day Challenge - Day One: A recent Picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

1) I get hyper and talk a lot ONLY when I am nervous or exhausted. 
2) If music was ever removed from this world, I'd want to go to.
3) My favourite colours are green and purple.
4) I love to socialize and be with people, but I need my alone time to.
5) I am very optimistic, life is to short to worry about things.
6) Jesus captivates my heart more and more each day.
7) I try to be a bold person and say what I feel when I can
8) I love suspense TV shows, anything to get the heart racing.
9) I love to draw, paint, write music, play instruments and sing.
10) I'm a computer nerd and I LOVE YouTube!
11) I have 2 tattoos but want more!
12) My Hair is the longest it's ever been.
13) I love my mom Karen Cliffe and sister Cassandra Cliffe! 
14) Cats are my favourite animal but I like big dogs to!
15) I can never sit still, I am always moving my hands or feet to a song in my head.

Overcoming Obstacles

Hello! or as I have learned today, HOLA in spanish ;).

Obstacles. That is a word that every person on this earth understands! I am sure that all you guys have overcome a few in the past and are dealing with a few today.  I personally think there are two ways of viewing obstacles, one way being with defeat and the other way with some form of "go getter" attitude.

The way people view obstacles, often shows how they view themselves on a deeper level. If they approach an obstacle saying, "I don't think I can do it" or "Its to big or to hard" it shows me that not only do they not care about accomplishing it, but also that they don't love themselves enough to try. People who say "I can't" only means they wont or they don't want to.

The people who face obstacles head on doesn't mean that they are better or more loved, it just means that they realize that there are problems in life and they are willing to work on it. So don't think that I am categorizing people into two different groups, because I am sure everybody has been both people at some point of their lives, and if you don't think that you were then you are obviously in denial.

I myself have faced obstacles my whole life, as I am sure everyone of you have as well. I will open up in these next few sentences on some very deep issues I have faced in my life. I am not bragging or trying to make my life sound worse then yours, for I am sure that there are people out there who have faced worse struggles then myself, I am am going to say mine only because I am speaking from experience and am going to show you how I overcame them through Jesus.

I was raised in a Christian home with loving parents. We were always short on money and life wasn't ever really easy. But one thing we never went without was love and that is why I believe I was able to hold on through the hard times, even though I fell once or twice. My father was an alcoholic and drug addict for 20 years of his life or more before he married my mother. He was also diagnosed with Diabetes at a young age, there were times he would have sugar crashes and collapse on the ground, ambulances and hospitals were a regular thing. I think after a while my father started to face obstacles with a defeated mentality, because he just gave up on life. It became so bad that after a while the first response people and ambulance drivers knew our names.

My father loved my mom, sister and I so much and we always did things together when I was young. As he started to become sicker in his body his personality changed, he soon became irritable and was always locking himself in his office for hours at a time. He worked as a chartered accountant, and he would come home every night and that would start the nightly fights between him and my mother, to the point I knew when he got home to take my little sister upstairs and play.

My sister Cassandra and I were home schooled up till high school. I was always the shy sensitive girl, and my sister as well. All the fighting started to take a toll on me, I started to become very extroverted to try and hide the anger and pain inside, and to this day I am very social but for a different reason, which I will explain further in my next blog. By the time I was 13 I was done with all the fighting, and I demanded to go to high school so I could get out of the house for a while so I could forget all the anger for a while. Grade 9, I was the "nerdy loser" people would say, because I didn't realize the clothes I had put me in that category. LOL I to this day don't care, those clothes made me happy so I wore them!

I got into lots of fights, and was almost suspended once for crashing the entire Algoma District School Board, was suspended once for taking part in organizing a school walk out. Detention was where I normally ate my lunch, and I prided myself on being there. In a weird twisted way it felt good to be bad, it felt good to be screwed up that way I got the attention I craved, because I didn't get it at home.

After I graduated Grade 11 thats when my life changed for the worse, I was 16 my father was in the hospital for a month or two during grade 11 due to congestive heart failure, he even had three blood clots in his body. Also during Grade 11 my mother and father were separated for a while because of my dad and his mood swings. Feb 14, 2004 my father moved back in with us, on medication for depression and started to watch his blood sugar more closely.  The anger I had built started to subside and I started to let my family become a family again. Life was good, June 14, 2004 was my mom and dad's 18th anniversary, June 16, 2004 my sister turned 14, and June 18, 2004 was the day that changed my life-- The day my father passed away.

I became so angry and hurt after that day for about two years I began to go off the deep end, I started smoking two packs a day, drinking and doing drugs, anything I could do to fill the void and suppress the anger. To cut this story short, you can most likely agree that this was a HUGE bunch of obstacles in my life.

All of these obstacles I approached for about two years with a defeated mindset. I can summarize everything that helped me overcome these in one word, JESUS. He lifted all these weights off my chest, sure there was a lot of fighting from me because at times I can be stubborn. The Grace of Jesus was so strong and merciful that he lifted me from the deep hole I dug from myself and raised me above the ground, above the problems.

That is what Jesus can and will do for you all you have to do is let Him. There is NOTHING you can do that will change anything, or make Jesus love you more then He does already. There are always going to be things in your life that come up and try to block your view for the prize, its about whether or not you are going to let the obstacle guide you or let Jesus lift you over it. You can do it either way but I assure you that it is way faster and less emotionally taxing if you just give it to Jesus, let Him fix all the problems.

My mom always says, "You can never drive your car forward for a long period of time, while looking through the rear-view mirror." So take your mind off the past and move on towards the future. Set goals and complete them maybe even set your eyes beyond the prize that way even if you don't fully make it you still make it to where you wanted to go. Think big, think God big :)

I love you guys! Thanks for reading and I hope this helps you in some way.