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Thank you for coming here to read what I have to say. I hope that out of everything I write that each and every one of you takes something away from here and applies in your life. Remember one thing, God loves you and there is nothing YOU can do about it!

Friday, October 31, 2014

I fell in love with a Sociopath

I fell in love with a Sociopath
By Ashley-Rose Cliffe

            First I want to start off by saying that this article is for all the women out there who have been or are in love with the wrong man. I can totally relate to the feeling of being in love or when you meet that man/woman who carries all of the traits that you want, but maybe just need to be nurtured or shown a little more love. Falling for the person who has every ability of being the one, but they just need to be loved a little more or just need to be shown love first and then they’ll change.  I am writing this to tell you that there is nothing wrong with the wanting to help, but there is something wrong with the wanting to settle for the person who needs fixing. That means that there is something inside of you that feels like you don’t deserve anything better or that you need to fix that person because you want someone to fix you to.
            I am going to tell you my story, because I was that girl trying to save that one man who had every chance there is to be a great man, however didn’t want the help. I have lost a lot and been hurt to a very deep level that has been hard to crawl out of. I want to hopefully be able to show you that you do not need to do what I’ve done, and maybe just maybe save you from making the same mistakes. This past year has been full of ups and downs but I have learnt so much from this experience and I want to help others. Before I tell you my story, I want to just define the term Sociopath to you, to be a sociopath they have to possess 10 VERY important qualities.

 1.     They are very charming: Sociopaths are very charismatic and are able to attract a following of people very easily and they almost can make you feel like you need to be around them. They have this way about them to attract people who feel like they need direction or people who want guidance. They prey on the vulnerable and they often appear to be “sexy” or they have a strong sexual attraction. Now not all sexy people are sociopaths of course, but watch out for any sort of over the top sex drive or someone who has odd fetishes.
2.     Sociopaths are very intense and spontaneous more than others: They tend to do very weird 

or odd things, they tend to be very erratic and all over the place. They love to take risks because they 

are not bound by the normal social contracts. This tends to make them more appealing.

3.     Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse: Their brains lack the circuitry 

process to be able to create emotions. That makes it easy for them to betray people, harm and/or 

threaten people without giving it a second thought. They only do things that serves themselves even if
it causes injury, pain or hurt to anyone else.

4.     Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences: They wildly exaggerate about 

their life and experiences to the point that it becomes almost unbelievable (but for some reason you 

still believe them).

5.     Sociopaths seek to dominate: They must win every time, they will defend their side to the end, 

even if they can be proven wrong. They are never wrong in their minds, they will defend their web of
lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.

6.     Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent: They use their smarts to deceive people rather than to 

empower them. Their high IQ’s often make them extremely dangerous.

7.     Sociopaths are incapable of true love: They are totally self-serving. They can and will fake 

love, just so they can get what they want, but they don’t FEEL love at all, no matter how believable 

they are.

8.     Sociopaths are amazing speakers: They are master with their words, they have a way of 

making anything believable. They are great at putting words into action.

9.     Sociopaths never apologize: They are never wrong. They never feel guilt, even if they say they 

feel bad. If they are proven wrong they will never say sorry they will go on the attack instead.

10. Sociopaths are delusional and they literally believe everything that comes out of their mouth and they believe everything they say becomes the truth: merely because they say it.
            
Now with this information in mind, let’s go into my story. It was August of 2013, I was at home alone and I decided that I wanted to go to the club. Now I normally frequented the club on Saturdays with my friends, but this was a Friday and nobody wanted to go out with me. I decided to go anyways, knowing that I’d see someone I knew. (Now 8 months before this was the ending of my first relationship, first love and first everything. I was insecure because the man I was with, whom I loved very much abandoned me and that alone was heartbreaking. I just wanted to have fun, drink and forget the pain. Little did I know that night would be the start of a roller-coaster of hell. ) I must say I looked good and I definitely showed it. That night I danced and had a blast, about halfway through the night I looked over by the door and saw him walk in, he glowed, he was a tall, muscular African man and for some reason it was almost like I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. Something about him screamed sophisticated and strong and that on its own appealed to me. I kept on dancing but I always knew where he was. About 30 minutes after that I looked over his direction and noticed that he was staring right at me, my face got bright red. The rest of the night every time I looked, his eyes were on me, they were like peering into my soul and it was frightening and intoxicating all at the same time. I left the club for a smoke and was standing out on the street, all of a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder, (If only I turned around and told him not to touch me…) instead I turned around to him staring right at me, he asked me for a smoke, I gave it to him.

The bad choice
He asked me who I was with, (Now let me just say I am the QUEEN of being safe when downtown, I would never go home with anyone, leave the club with someone or even say that I am alone EVER! ….. well before this) I don’t know what came over me, I said I was alone, we talked for a while and he made me feel comfortable, I was laughing and I couldn't believe that a sexy man like him would even talk to me.  He told me that his car was in a small town outside of St Catharines, and that his friends left him at the club and he’s been drinking too much, he asked if I drove I said I do, because I wasn't as drunk as him he then asked I go with him to get his car, so I can drive it. For some reason I felt like yeah I can do that for you, (to this day I can’t understand that). Anyways that night I went with him from the club, reached to his car, (which happened to be a BMW) and I drove it back to my place. I told him he couldn't come inside because it was my sister and I’s rule. He said no problem, kissed me after walking me to the door. I went to sleep that night feeling so excited, I finally found a gentleman, he was sweet, funny, smart, charming, etc.

Deceived by the Devil
            Throughout the next few weeks, he was at my house all the time; he would passionately love me and made me feel like a princess. By September, I had started school and he was so excited for me, even though at this point he had told me that he wanted to just be friends for now and that if a relationship happened then it did. He said he was severely hurt by his ex and just needed time to get over it. I can never write the exact words he used, because I don’t even know how he did it. But the way he talked made it so easy to believe every word he said. When I got my OSAP, he called me one day and said he had an emergency with his pay at work and that his paycheck was going to be a week late, and he had child support due for his son plus rent. He asked if he could borrow $500 from me until the next Friday, still don’t know why I did, but I did. The Friday of next week came and I called him for three days straight, until Monday when he called me and said he was so sorry for not giving me the money but he said he has it and will bring it. I didn’t see him for two days. When he came to my house on Wednesday I confronted him and he got mad at me for pestering him, he twisted my words in such a way it made me feel bad for being so pushy about it.

Being Used
            This was the first time of many that this man got away with my pride, my money and my emotions, without even batting an eye. For a long time I fell prey to him because I still got the security I needed from him. I felt important being with him every day and that almost everyone he knew, saw me with him. I fell for him and was madly in love, they say love is blind and part of me agrees. I looked past all of the things he did to me, because at least I wasn't alone. He told me about his son and how he had custody but wasn't being allowed to see him. I told him that I would help him get his son, I filled out paperwork, went to court with him and in the end we won. I was so proud and excited, however I was never given credit for anything around his friends, and it was always him who did it.
I became his little bitch
            I finally told him how I felt about him one day, and he said I didn't love him and my feelings were wrong. He got mad at me for “forcing” my emotions at him and that I was wrong. But yet two days later he came to me and said he was sorry and that he was happy that I felt that way. I wanted so badly to be with him forever. I began to spiral out of control with him, as he developed a strong drug habit and was drinking all the time. He had two different people inside of him, the nice one and the mean one. I started to instigate the drinking and drug use, because when he was under the influence was the only chance for intimacy. When the mean one came out, he would always talk about himself and how he could not understand how all the people who did bad to him could do it and if he was talking about me, it was about my problems and what was wrong with me. The nice one, however was the one who would hold me, say nice things to me and do other things, although I never knew which person would come out, he kept me holding on hoping the nice one would. It kept me craving the next time we would get drunk and high, so I could feel that way. He started losing weight, selling off his belongings for cash, I starting noticing his lies a little bit here and there. I started drinking and getting high all the time with him. My life started to fall apart but I was still intoxicated by him. I did anything he wanted me to do, I would even get up at 3am if he called me to come over and I would come right away. I became his little bitch. But it was like I needed him, he would push me away to the point where I was giving up on him and right when I was almost done with him, he would pull me back.

Bank Ashley
He started to take more money from me, even though he never paid back the first part, and I would let him like a lovesick puppy. I felt like I never loved anyone like him and would defend him to everyone. It was to the point that he lost his car, tv, computer, fridge, washer and dryer etc.. And he would have a story for each and every one and why they were gone, but really later I found out he was selling them for cash. He also was playing the same game with other women, don’t know why I felt special, he kept me around for when he was lonely or wanted something. He would tell me he was working all week and the only kind of work he was doing was drinking, getting high and getting money for all of the women victims. He kept me around until he had drained every inch of me. I was sucked up and spit out. He is like a leech and he sucked me dry. He would drink and get very angry sometimes in my face, other times he would throw me around or just smash stuff. When I was in his spell all I wanted to do was save him, prove my love, and show him that there are good women out there! I just wanted to support him and be there, I thought I could fix him.

Intervention
My friends and family would lecture me of my addiction problems and that I do too much for him. I would become defensive of him fearing that if I didn't please him he would be mad. He used to go from happy to angry with a snap of my finger. It was always my fault and whenever I tried to challenge him back he would beat me down 10x more. He abused me to the point where I lost myself, my identity and where I had ZERO confidence left. I left him at least three times, with a month of peace in between, but he would go to my friends, or come up with some emergency or story to suck me back in. The emotional and mental abuse got so bad, I am still trying to heal and climb out of it, but this fight is where I found myself. My friends and family were right, it was NOT HEALTHY at all! I started to see the lies this man would tell and my eyes slowly opened as the blinders fell off, with a few bumps along the way. It took me leaving him 3 times to finally see him for what he IS which is a con artist, a manipulative, lying and amazingly smart Sociopath. He has captives, not girlfriends and he sees a friend as a means to get something. He has used every inch of me and it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever done to climb back out, the saddest part is until this day in his mind he has done nothing wrong and it was me, I wasn't perfect enough and I am the backstabber who was mean to him. He will never see it nor admit it, because he doesn't want to.

My hope
            My hope is that with this story other people can see exactly what it means to be used, exactly how you should not be treated. If the person you are interested in has any of the 10 signs above consider it a warning and please BE CAREFUL! Below is a list of 10 things I have learned about relationships in general just from him:
1.      Don’t let money play a role: If a man/woman asks to borrow money in your relationship, do not do it! He/she should never have to depend on you for his/her budget. You are not responsible for it! Money just ruins things between a couple and make sure that he/she respects that.
2.      If a man/woman isn’t willing to commit to you after three months of friendship, LEAVE!: A man/woman will see your worth by then and if he/she hasn’t claimed you, then you deserve better!!
3.      If he/she disrespects you by calling you a bitch, or other derogatory words, LEAVE!: A man/woman who truly loves you would NEVER talk to you like that!
4.      Don’t ever sacrifice things in your life for someone else!:  If you have school the man/woman who loves you would never ask you to leave it for him/her every day, he/she would encourage you to stay.
5.      If his/her stories sound too good to be true, they are: Sociopaths exaggerate to feed their ego, and their insecurities DO NOT feed into it, leave!
6.      If he/she goes from happy to angry faster than you blink, LEAVE! People like that are unstable and dangerous. You deserve better than that!!!
7.      Respect goes miles!!! If he/she can’t acknowledge the things you have done with humbleness then LEAVE. You deserve to be appreciated to.
8.      If he/she bosses you around and/or has unrealistic expectations of you, leave they aren’t GOD!
9.      If he/she only makes love to you/touches you or cuddles you, to reward you. LEAVE!: You do not have to do something for your partner to be intimate, that is a form of control and dominance and the UTMOST DISRESPECT. LEAVE!
10.  You cannot fix him/her!: You can never fix anyone! They have to fix themselves. It is so true that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one, Sociopaths don’t think they have a problem; hence it will never be fixed!


Finally if in any way, shape or form you are being disrespected in anyway LEAVE! You deserve to be loved and cherished NOT used! 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Fall down seven times, get up eight


Hey Everybody,

    I first off want to start by saying I have disappeared for a while and it wasn't because I forgot about you guys. I had to take sometime to change some things in my life and come back stronger, wiser and smarter. I am going to bare my soul in this blog but I will not mention names, only because drama is not the meaning of this blog, honesty is. Everybody should have a way to express their feelings without being reprimanded for it and this is my place for freedom.

I was living in Southern Ontario for 3 years and while living there I went to school, met great people who I still love and learnt life lessons as well. I do not consider my time there or all the things that happened there a failure, but more so a time of growth. I became part of a family where I learnt a lot of things, grew up a lot and made memories that will be in my heart forever. I will never forget the crazy things we got into and the times we stayed up all night laughing over the stupidest things. I will never forget or stop loving all of the kids that were involved who made me laugh when I was sad; also the times we did crazy games and acting games in the living room and the times we laughed together when it was supposed to be bed time. The children were the main reason I grew up so much and I learnt so many things that will help me when I start a family of my own. 

Due to a bad decision on my part, that I haven't and will never forgive myself for, we were forced to part ways.  To think that yet again a choice I made ruined another great thing for me really destroys me inside and in my head I was beating myself over and over and over again. I thought of many different things I could of done or if I would have done this or said that then this wouldn't have happened. I ended up in the YWCA, which is the Young Womens Christian Association shelter for women. I hit another huge low in my life, said some very rude things that I didn't mean and acted out on levels that I haven't since high school. I don't see any of that a failure but instead I view it as another life lesson. Thats when I was searching the internet one day trying to find something that would get me out of my funk and I saw that saying, "Fall down seven times, get up eight" (from an unknown author) and it made me see that maybe the situation wasn't handled in the right way by both parties but it is how it is and if I don't stand up and keep fighting, then I am a quitter/ I am no quitter, I am a fighter!

I tried to make things work on my own but nothing seemed to work out the way I planned it and I decided to pick up my stuff and leave. I moved back home with my mother and my sister in Sault Ste Marie, Ontario. I do want to take time now to apologize to anybody who I didn't tell that to, it was not personal at all, it was a rushed decision that I had to make.

I do want to take time to just say how much I love my boyfriend, Kyndell. He stood by my side while I fell and loved me through it all. He held my hand when I cried and always finds ways to make me smile and keep fighting. I just want to say that no matter what anybody says about you baby, it doesn't matter because I know who you really are and everything else is just lies. I also want to post it here (even though they already know) I love you Mom :) and I love you Sis! My family may be small but it is strong and it is all I need to stay strong as I repair myself.

I am going to list 10 main points that I can take out of this.

1. Never, EVER give up
2. Don't ever look at things and punish yourself. Look at things and Grow yourself.
3. Never be a pushover it gets you nowhere.
4. Follow your dreams and when you finish those, dream more!
5. Nothing is to big for God.
6. Do not believe what anybody says about someone, sit down and talk to the person yourself.
7. Remember when you point your finger there is four pointing back.
8. Smile, even when you aren't smiling inside.
9. Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window - or break down a     door.
10. Love the ones who love you, never push them away because you are afraid.

I hope in that everything that is written here, somebody will take something out of this.

Fight till the end and do not punish yourself, what's done is done! I love you guys xoxo

Friday, April 29, 2011

Beautiful People

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and people. Sometimes its easy to feel like you aren't worth it, and sometimes its easy to just push yourself aside. "The grass is always greener on the other side," is a saying that I have never agreed with. In life sometimes things can become very stressful which makes it easier to look at other people and see what they have. People will always have something that you want, but not always what you need.

When you think about what you need, what do you think of? Money, a nice house, a supportive family, a car, clothes, food...etc. Some of those things you do need but how you place them in your life is what matters. If your happiness depends on how much money you have then you will always lack, you will always need it. Its better to look at money as a means to use and help. That way when you don't have it, your mood, life and happiness isn't affected as much.

People in this world are beautiful, they all have something great to offer to this world. I can always find the good things in everyone. That is what I love to do. People judge based on what a person has done, but a persons past does not define who they are. God loves every person, no matter what they have done and no matter what they have done.

I just felt like writing this post to say that you are not defined by what you have, what you don't have, what you've done or what you will do. You are defined as beautiful people who are loved by God. Smile and enjoy this life God has given you!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Isaiah 61:1-3: You are perfect and protected according to God

So I haven't been posting blogs for about three weeks, NOT because I don't love you guys, but more so me just trying to make this next blog the best it could be.

Now I have been reading a book for women called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, in this case though this part of the book can be taken and used for both sexes, hooray equality lol!

Now this Chapter of the book is called, "Healing the Wound" and I found a lot of things in this chapter really spoke to me on a different level. The chapter started out with a story about a Hummingbird who was stuck in a garage, and could not find it's little way out. Windows and walls became more and more of a threat because the little bird became panicked. Not until Stasi, who is the novelist of this book, was able to go out and free it from it's hell.

That right there gave me a picture of how humans without the Love of God are just like that Hummingbird flying all over the place, lost, confused and hitting every wall, door or glass window there is with no hope of ever getting out. That is until God comes in just like Stasi did and grabs us out of that jail and sets us free, free from our self effort, free from us trying to find our way out and free to live our lives knowing that someone has our back.

Now back to the chapter, after that story was brought up Stasi decided to throw in a bible verse that seems to speak the same observation. Isaiah 61:1-3..which states:

1. The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
2.To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, And the day of vengeance of our God, To comfort all who mourn,
3.To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

Not only does that already scream out the same message, Stasi decides to take it one step further and re-word the scripture to make it more familiar and this right here is what made me stop and literally say, "wow".

God has sent me on a mission, I have some great news for you.
God has sent me to restore and release something.
And that something, is you.
I am here to give back your heart and set you free.
I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I have fought against him.
Let me comfort you.
For, dear one I will bestow beauty upon you,
where you have known only devastation.
Joy, in the place of your deep sorrow.
And I will robe your heart in thankful praise,
in exchange for your resignation and despair.

In that one re-worded paragraph my life has changed. I realize now that I am forgiven, I am loved and I am provided for. I was so wrapped up in the earths definition for those things that I forgot about God's.

I don't look like Barbie and I never will, I won't be a rich as Paris Hilton but at least I am doing something productive with my life, LOL.. sorry I had to. I am not blond and blue eyed, meaning I am not perfect.

The point is according to the earth that right above this is how I am perceived, but by God I am perceived as Perfect, Rich, Whole, Blessed, Beautiful, Loved and Provided for.

Now because if that I have the confidence to walk out of my door tomorrow, knowing that I am not second best, knowing that if I want something bad enough I'll try, knowing I have security, knowing that if someone decides they hate me I still have the One that matters the most...etc

I love you guys so much and I hope this really speaks to your hearts as it did mine :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Where My limit reaches the end, God's is just beginning.

I have promised that I would blog about the things that have bothered me over the past few weeks, to the point of me reaching the place where I need God to run everything.

During my two years of bible college I learned many of life changing and knowledgable things, one of the many things I've learned is that, "Works (trying to do things by yourself) bring you to the end of yourself, where you realize that God needs to takeover."

Now you must think, "Wow, haven't you already applied that knowledge to your own life?" The answer to that is yes I have in many areas of my life, there are just a few areas for some reason, that haven't learned or grown in that idea yet. It could also be my stubborness affecting the outcome. Either way I have been going through a huge change when it comes to my life this past few weeks and I have learned where some things need to change to where I don't rely on myself to change the issues but God.

People have noticed that I have been a bit down, upset, stressed, closed in and maybe even a bit cranky. I DO APPOLOGIZE if I was cranky to any of you (don't think I was) because it was definatley nothing you guys did.

One of the many things going on is that I have no Job, I have had no job since April and the first few months I was cool with it, but now it is getting to be a real pain. It is hard for me to wake up everyday and wonder how I am going to pay for everything I need to pay for. Now I do watch four children when they are at their mothers house, every two weeks and yes I do get paid for that, not at all the amount I need, but it does help substantially! I just need to find a full time job during the day mon-fri (would be perfect) to add onto my day. That way I will be able to pay for the things I need to pay for.

The second stresser that I have is that I don't have a car. I am able to use Donna's car on occasion which in itself is awesome! I just need to have freedom. It is different for me because I live in Niagara-On-The-Lake and there is no city bus and all my friends and all my meetings and things I am involved in is in St Catharines and there is no way to get there. I don't have a bike and walking would take a min of 2 hours to walk there. I just need to get a car even if it is cheap as long as it is reliable. If you know of anybody who is selling a car for cheap please let me know!

The other thing is, I feel like I am "wasting" every day because I haven't even found the thing that I wan't to go to school for or what I want to do. Every occupation out there has perks yes, but it doesn't have that "thing". If my heart can't be invested in something fully then I wont do it because I want to be where God wants me to be.

There are other stressers that are affecting my thought life and that is what God has addressed to me. I need to control my thought life and control what/how I think. That is why a couple of days ago I finally gae up control and gave it to God, I have let Him take control and provide those things for me. He knows the desires of my heart and He knows what I need so He WILL provide those things for me. Amen

I, just as I am sure every one of you have done, have fallen into trying to make things happen and I realize that has brought me nowhere, so that has been another look into my life

Thanks to all my friends for being there and accepting me for my flaws and still loving me!!

In the end it is so much more peaceful when God is in control!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

30 Day Challenge: Day 3,7,8,9,10 and 11!!

30 Day Challenge: K wow I have missed 6 days of this challenge due to going from one place to another watching children and running, so now I will catch up on those six days. Sorry!!!!!!
                                                     
Day #11: A picture of something I hate!
                                                            Marshmallows are YUCKY!

Day #7: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

                                     Music has always impacted me for the better no matter what!

Day #3: A Picture of you and your friends!
Me, Kristen, Natalie and Donna!

Day #8 :A picture that makes you laugh.

                                                           I just find it really funny :)

Day #9: Something you're proud of in the past few days.
    I am proud of getting Natalie's van fixed and how seeing how bad the tires were and how all the mechanics were surprised that we drove on the QEW without dying. That screams GOD all over it, and how he held that tire long enough for us to go get it fixed!!! I am proud that we listened to God and got it fixed! :) Yay for God and wisdom.

Day #10: Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad.
Happy: Only Girl (In the world) - Rihanna
Sad: You are loved- Josh Groban
Bored: Anything from Underoath, Skillet, AC/DC and others
Hyped: Anything by Drake, HE IS WE, Jason Derulo, Ne-Yo
Mad: Josh Groban to calm me down.. lol

Thursday, October 14, 2010

30 Day Challenge - Day 5+6: A picture of somewhere you've been to. and Favorite super hero and why.

#5: A Picture of somewhere I have been:
Kiev, Ukraine. I have been there on a missions trip in 2008 for a youth group that I was a part of. Changed my life for the better..

#6: Favorite super hero and why.
Hmmm... well on wikipedia it says that Optimus Prime is considered a super hero, so HE is my favourite cause I don't like any if the famous ones.. And my favourite villan is the Joker ONLY when played by Heath Ledger